Anxiety Disorders and Panic Attacks: Alison Sommer at TEDxCarletonCollege

Transcriber: Sadegh Zabiha
Reviewer: Theresa Ranft My first goal here today is not to have
a panic attack right on stage. I have an anxiety disorder
called Obsessive Compulsive Disorder, or OCD. I have a form of Obsessive
Compulsive Disorder that causes me to become
anxious or frightened when something wrong
or unexpected happens. Like, if somebody sits
at my seat at the table. It also causes intrusive thoughts. These are thoughts
that come unbidden to my head about things that I’ve done
in the past or things that I might do. Things that could happen by chance or because everybody secretly hates me.

As you might imagine, these intrusive thoughts
are quite anxiety-producing. This anxiety can manifest in different physical
and emotional responses, one of which is the panic attack which I’ll be talking about
more in depth later. But, the thing that made me hyperaware of the effects of my OCD and made me determined
to spread awareness about anxiety disorders in general, is that my symptoms
were not always this severe. So, I want to start at the beginning. As long as I can remember, I’ve always been
an obsessive-minded child. I would take a thing, good or bad, and roll it over in my head,
over and over.

I was also really shy and awkward and I know, especially at Carleton, a lot of you are thinking, “Yeah, me too”. (Laughter) Because, you know, there are a lot
of shy, awkward people and all of us have our little obsessions. I don’t know if there is a scale
for being shy, awkward, and obsessive, but I always felt like I was toward
the high end of the range. “Weirdo” and “freak” were terms
I readily accepted as a teenager.

And when all the other girls my age
were really into the Backstreet Boys, I was dating myself, I was obsessed with Star Wars. I sort of still am. Like, I got in trouble for coming home
late for curfew once as a teenager and as punishment, my parents
took away my Star Wars stuff. And I thought
that the world had collapsed. I also had on-again, off-again issues
with anxiety and depression. And anxiety and depression
go hand in hand, like two best friends
who like to corner a third person and make them feel like shit. (Laughter) So, there I was, this anxious, awkward obsessive, and sometimes depressed girl. And that was life, that was my normal. When I got a little older
and started coming out of my shell and meeting people
with similar interests to me, like the folks here
at the Sci-Fi House at Carleton.

Benton House, anyone? Woo! (Laughter) I started opening up
and talking to people about my feelings, and I started to realize
that other people like me suffered from anxiety and depression. And suddenly,
instead of feeling like a freak, I felt like just kind of a normal,
anxiety/depression story with a little obsessive behavior
thrown in for good measure. And that felt pretty cool. So, that was my life. I also started to get a little help then, I saw my first psychiatrist
and got my first meds. And, you know,
things were going pretty good. And then I got a really bad concussion
while I was playing hockey. Love the sport,
still play it, but it was bad. That’s when things took
a nosedive from me feeling like normal, it-runs-in-the-family crazy to like scary crazy. That’s when the intrusive thoughts
started getting louder and louder.

This clicker sucks. (Laughter) And it was bad. It was bad. I was angry all the time. It mostly came out at my husband,
but my road rage was also pretty epic. While I was being an ass to other people, I was also being an ass to myself. I was not eating. I was down to a size zero and that monkey was saying,
“You can get skinnier.” And … I didn’t want to accept
that I had a problem. I wanted to feel like I was kicking ass. But, I knew deep down that there was something wrong
because I wasn’t sleeping and my marriage was going
through the shitter. But, trying to even think
about changing my habits, really thinking about changing
any of my habits would give me massive anxiety.

And this anxiety was leading
to panic attacks. Panic attacks are one of the most … frightening manifestations of anxiety. I know if you’ve never had a panic attack,
the name sounds kind of lame. We all have those moments of panic like, “Oh, did I leave the oven running?” or “My kid just bolted out
into the middle of the street.” Or maybe more for you: “I forgot to study for that test.” But none of these are panic attacks. The Mayo Clinic’s website says, “A panic attack
is a sudden episode of intense fear that triggers severe physical reactions when there is no real danger
or apparent cause. Panic attacks can be very frightening. When a panic attack occurs you might think you’re losing control,
having a heart attack, or even dying.” That’s a pretty good definition, but what does it…

Feel like? That’s what I’m going to try to show you. So, it’s a pretty normal day, but maybe a little bit stressful, like at a performance evaluation at work or packing for vacation. I’m doing something pretty normal
and I start to feel … “off.” I know something’s not quite right. I’m getting … tingly. A tingling numbness creeps up my neck and all over my face
and seeps into my head. I feel dizzy. So, I sit down. (Breathing deeply) Sometimes I think maybe I just didn’t eat enough today, so I grab some crackers
or a candy bar, or whatever I have.

My head is feeling fuzzy. As I’m sitting there, sometimes I think, “Oh my gosh,
it’s a seizure or heart attack” – But, I know better. I know it’s a mounting panic attack
when my heart starts beating harder, not faster really, just … hard. Like the heartbeat
in the background of a horror film. Now I’m getting scared thinking, “No …

No, not here. Not now.” (Breathless) Right now, the right medication might help, might bring
this crescendo back down, and end the panic attack, but sometimes even the right medication
doesn’t always help. I feel … off and … I want to sit still, but … my body just won’t listen. So I pace, I lash out. The tears come now. Broken, dry cries. Weak, angry, shrieks breakthrough and my brain is screaming, (Loudly) “Shut up! Shut up! Shut up!” Not a real cry, nothing that could be cathartic
can come out. It all gets caught
in my throat and my head. Oh, it’s – I get angry, mad at this feeling, myself, everything! I pound my head with my fists. I want to bang it against the floor. I want to smash my skull
and make it all end! (Rapid breathing) Sometimes I do, I just hit myself
and I can’t hold back and it feels like relief suddenly. That physical pain
and I crave physical pain: cuts, burns, bruises.

And then that scares me even more. I look up at my shelf
of pill bottles and I think, “I could take them all. I could end it right now.” But, I don’t. (Sobbing) I don’t. Real tears come now. (Sobbing) So sad tears. But, now I can lie down. Just wait for it to be over. Eventually … it ends. It always does end. And I’m still here. (Breathing deeply) And with my sanity coming back, with my head clearing, I’m grateful to still be here, and that it always stops eventually. This is not an easy thing to live with, knowing that it could happen
at any moment, any place, at home, at work, at the tattoo parlor – that’s happened. And not a lot of people talk about it
even though a lot of people go through it. When I first posted to my blog about my experiences with panic attacks, I was surprised when people
started contacting me from all corners of my life, on the Internet, to tell me about their experiences.

And to thank me for speaking out, and tell me I was brave. It got me thinking, you know. These days everything seems
to have an awareness month, or a ribbon or some picture you can share
on Facebook to spread awareness. Well, I’ve made this
my panic attack awareness effort and now I hope you all know
a little bit more about what they feel like. As for me, my husband
did finally get me to see a doctor. It turns out that my anxiety
and obsessive tendencies had been given
steroids by the concussion and I was diagnosed with severe OCD. And we started the dance of trying
to find the right combination of meds and therapy. We’re still figuring it out. I still have panic attacks. But luckily, thanks
to some wonderful people and some magical chemicals, they are fewer and further in between. Blogging about it and talking about it
is part of my therapy too. I’m very blessed to have such
a wonderful support structure here in my life and to have been given
these opportunities to talk openly about my anxiety disorder.

Forty million adult Americans, according to the National
Institute for Mental Health, has anxiety disorders. That’s just over 18% of the population, so chances are you know someone with an anxiety disorder, whether it’s a friend, a colleague,
or even yourself. Of the 40 million who have anxiety, 15% of them experience the terror of panic attacks and it’s twice as common
in women as in men. Cause we’re lucky. (Laughter) When I’m having a panic attack the best thing that people can do for me is to just be with me and let me know
that they’re there for me, and will do things I ask
that I say I need, whether that’s to open a window, or let me run away from the room,
or turn out the lights – none of which you can do on an airplane,
by the way, it turns out. (Laughter) So, if you’re there when someone
you know is having a panic attack, it’s hard to breathe
in the middle of an attack, much less speak.

So instead of asking them over and over, “Are you OK? What’s wrong? Are you OK?
What are you panicking about? What can I do? Are you OK? Are you OK?” Just be there. Let them know you support them and sit with them as they ride out
those waves of panic because … you can’t tell a panicking
person to calm down. That’s like trying to tell someone
with a gaping wound to just stop bleeding. (Laughter) But, what you can do is let them know
you’re there for them.

It may make you feel helpless, but your presence is more comforting
than you may realize. And then when it’s over, you can ask
what you can do for next time, if anything. But, one thing we can all do is work together to end the stigma
surrounding mental health disorders, like anxiety, so that everybody who needs help
can feel safe in asking for it.

You can help by showing respect
to people who seek the aid of therapists, psychiatrists,
and medications. Instead of telling someone
to work harder or worry less, tell them that you’re there for them and you understand
these things can be a struggle. If you have anxiety, it’s not your fault. Help is available in many forms. I started getting help by working
with my primary care physician, but there are also hotlines and websites such as The Anxiety and Depression
Association of America at adaa.org.

In short, if you or someone you know
has an anxiety disorder, give help, get help, speak out. You’re not alone. (Applause).

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