Rodney Dangerfield at His Best on The Tonight Show Starring Johnny Carson (1983)

(upbeat music) (audience clapping) – Thank you, thank you. – How about that? (audience cheering) – Wasn’t that nice? – What a crowd, huh? – Yeah, they love ya.
00:00:29
– Really nice, okay, how ya doin’? – I’m doin’ fine.
00:00:31
You’re looking real good. Real good, yeah. Big movie comin’ out, huh? – Oh yeah, everything is goin’ good, everything’s okay. – Bought a house, I hear? – I bought a house. – Out here? – No, Connecticut I bought a house.
00:00:41
Westport. – Westport? – Oh yeah, nice place. – That’s very high class.
00:00:45
– Almost from Connecticut.
00:00:46
– Yeah. – Yeah, nice place up there.
00:00:48
Westport, bought a house up there, Johnny, you know, and it’s really nice.
00:00:51
People are nice, you know what I mean? I got nice neighbors over there, too. Last weekend I played tennis with my neighbors, you know, Maryann and Biff. – Maryann and Biff? – Yes. You ought to come up there, you know what I mean, spend a few days, you and I. Relax, they don’t bother you. It’s nice.
00:01:06
It’s a good time, just you and I alone.
00:01:07
Want to bring Ed along too? – Sure – Nah, but I’ve been working hard Johnny, and I’m trying to relax, you know.
00:01:13
I go to Las Vegas next week, and Resorts after that. I’ve got an album coming out, a movie coming out I’m working very hard. – Yeah.
00:01:20
– My father, he was a workaholic. – Really? – Oh yeah. You mention work, he got drunk, are you kidding? – I didn’t know that.
00:01:24
(audience laughing) – Well I finally solved my drinking problem, I joined Alcoholics Anonymous, you know, yeah, I still drink I use a different name that’s all.
00:01:33
(audience laughing) (audience clapping) (audience whistling) I tell ya my problem is that I drink too much, way too much.
00:01:44
I gave my doctor a urine specimen. There was an olive in it.
00:01:47
(audience laughing) When I drink, I don’t know what I was doing, I was loaded one night and I went to a gay bar. It was ridiculous.
00:01:55
There was 15 guys for every guy.
00:01:57
(audience laughing) Is this on full? – Yeah, it’s on full. – Is it on full? Okay, yeah, yeah. I’m never lucky in bars.
00:02:06
I saw a sign over one bar, it said topless, bottomless, I went inside, there was no one there.
00:02:10
(audience laughing) – Life ain’t easy.
00:02:15
– I mean, nothing works.
00:02:16
I decided to look out for number one and I stepped in number two.
00:02:18
(audience laughing) And smokin’, that’s another one, try to stop smokin’ that’s a beauty, huh? But with cigarettes, my wife and I, we made a deal, my wife and I, we only smoke after sex. I’ve got the same pack now since 1975.
00:02:34
(audience laughing) What bothers me is my wife.
00:02:37
She’s up to three packs a day.
00:02:39
(audience laughing) (audience laughter drowns out speaking) – Yeah – I’ll tell you the truth, my wife and I we never have sex.
00:02:51
We get undressed and we can’t stop laughin’, ya know? (audience laughing) But I’ll tell you one thing, when my wife does have sex she screams.
00:03:01
Oh, especially when I walk in on her. Oh, forget ’bout it. Are you kidding, I know my wife cheats on me every time I come home the parrot says, “Quick out the window.” (audience laughing drowns out speaking) My house, in my house I can’t relax. I’ve got a dog he drives me nuts. I’ve got a dumb dog.
00:03:27
We call him Egypt, every room he leaves a pyramid.
00:03:30
(audience laughing) My kids, they don’t help either. – [Johnny] No good, huh? – My kids, they’re really smart kids I’ve got, you know. The other day I told my kid, I said, “Someday you’ll have “children of your own.” He said, “So will you.” (audience laughing) I’ve got a mean kid, a very mean kid, he scotch tapes worms to the sidewalk and then watches the birds get hernias, are you kiddin’ me? – Mean kid! – Mean kid.
00:04:01
My daughter, too, she’s no bargain either.
00:04:03
My daughter, are you kiddin’? She’s been picked up so many times, she is starting to grow handles.
00:04:08
(audience clapping) Yeah, yeah my daughter, you kiddin’. Her graduation book, her picture is horizontal, it’s ridiculous.
00:04:18
(audience laughing) My daughter, my daughter, they call her Federal Express. – Why’s that? – When she’s goes to a guy’s apartment, she absolutely positively has to be there overnight.
00:04:27
(audience laughing) (audience whistling) I mean that’s the trouble with kids these days, they are playing around so young, very young, I was talking to my doctor.
00:04:38
You know my doctor, Dr Vinny Boombatz You know my doctor? Well, he told me last week in his office that he got six cases of VD. I mean he’s alright now, ya know.
00:04:47
(audience laughing) Oh, he’s a strange doctor. – A strange doctor. – Oh yeah, very, are you kiddin’? I asked him if my heart was strong enough for sex. He told me not if I join in, ya know? (audience laughing) (mumbling) But everyone wants love, love is the answer, John. And everyone is looking for love deep, love of a lifetime, a deep love, ya know.
00:05:08
I’m lookin’ for a shallow half hour, ya know.
00:05:09
(audience laughing) What I want. I start strong but I peter right out, that’s my style. (audience laughing) – Don’t you have luck with women? – No, I never have luck with women.
00:05:17
I’m no ladies man, I know that Johnny. I never got girls when I was a kid in show business either, ya know.
00:05:21
My one girl told me to come over there was nobody home. I went over, there was nobody home.
00:05:24
(audience laughing) And this girl was no bargain either. She was fat. – [Johnny] Fat, huh. – [Girl] How fat? (audience laughing) – How fat? When she wears high heels, she strikes oil. Okay, she’s fat.
00:05:37
(audience laughing) Fat, you kiddin’? – Fat huh? – Fat. – Big girl, huh? – I met her at the Macy’s parade, she was wearing ropes.
00:05:48
(audience laughing) I mean fat.
00:05:52
When she was on a Richard Simmons show jumping up and down, my tv fell off the stand. (audience laughing) But I’m talking a fat girl here, you know what I mean? Big girl, you kiddin’, she was standing alone and a cop told her to break it up.
00:06:03
(audience laughing) I mean fat, Johnny, you kiddin’? – You’re talking about a large person.
00:06:09
– I mean this girl was fat and ugly. Oh she ugly.
00:06:12
How ugly? I took her to the beach, they asked me what I used for bait.
00:06:15
(audience laughing) Ugly, chick, you kiddin’.
00:06:21
When I took her home, my mother put newspapers on the floor.
00:06:23
(audience laughing) I mean ugly, I gave her a hickey, I got fur in my mouth.
00:06:27
(audience cheering drowns out speaker) Thank you very much.
00:06:35
(mumbling) I’ll tell you that.
00:06:37
(audience cheering) ♫ And that’s how ugly she was Follow me here.
00:06:45
If I had the right trio I could make it, you know that? – So how are you, Rodney? – How– (audience cheering) (laughing) – Hey, we’ve got a film clip. Right? From your picture, – That’s right – It’s called What’s the name of this picture? – Thanks for being so well informed. (audience laughing) (laughing) – Easy.
00:07:08
– I know you do a zebra, what else do you do? – Easy Money, it’s called. – Easy Money.
00:07:12
– Yeah, are you the star of this picture? – Yeah.
00:07:15
(audience laughing) – Yeah.
00:07:16
– It’s tough making a movie, I’ll tell you that. – Is it tough? – It should have been called Tough Buck.
00:07:20
– Really? You’ve got a lot of money now, does it make you happier? – Money don’t mean enough, you know that. You’ve got the same head.
00:07:25
Money don’t mean nothin’.
00:07:26
It’s just, ya know, you’re the same guy, you know. – You haven’t changed then.
00:07:30
– Suddenly, I’m depressed.
00:07:31
(audience laughing) – [Johnny] Does this excerpt, we’re going to see, need any, as they say, set up at all? – Well, in the movie, ya know, I’m a baby photographer and uh, (audience laughing) and what I do is I, in this movie here, I’m like, uh, I try to turn over a new leaf.
00:07:52
You know, stop drinking, stop gambling, Stop overeating, and a few other things I won’t go into.
00:07:57
And listen, I’m in withdraw now sort of trying to stop, and this clip shows what happens when I’m a baby photographer after I’ve stopped all these and I’m not quite myself. – Okay, from, here it is – Easy Money – Easy Money (audience laughing) – You gotta stay still, okay? You gotta stay still, okay kid? You gotta stay still here.
00:08:14
Kid, you’ve gotta stay still.
00:08:16
– Monty, have you ever seen a face like that before? – No, if I did, I’d remember it. (audience laughing) Gonna get a real good picture now, okay? – Look at him, he’s got my eyes. – He’s got my nose. – And my sympathy.
00:08:30
(audience laughing) – We want some wallet size pictures, too. – This kid won’t fit in a wallet size. (audience laughing) – [Father] My wife, she’s very particular.
00:08:39
– [Mother] What about you, John.
00:08:42
He’s very particular, too. – Surprised you married each other.
00:08:47
Alright, look kid, I’m tired of keep telling you the same thing.
00:08:50
You gotta stay still, alright? I’ll tell ya what.
00:08:53
Look, Anthony, I’m gonna make a deal with you, okay, come here.
00:08:56
Come here, will ya? Ya gotta stay still.
00:08:59
We gotta get a good picture, Anthony. We gotta stay still.
00:09:01
We wanna get a good picture, Anthony.
00:09:03
Stay still, stay still. Will ya stay still? Here we go Anthony, will ya? (Anthony crying) You gotta be quiet, too, okay, Anthony, be quiet. Will ya stay still, talk to me, somebody. Be quiet, will ya? John, Grandma, talk to him, will ya? Stay quiet, will ya? C’mon, hey kid. Stay quiet, will ya? Stay quiet, will ya? Somebody, will ya shut the fat little (beep) up? (audience cheering) (audience clapping) – Well you have a way with kids. – Huh? – You have a way with kids.
00:09:37
– I love kids. – Well, I hope it’s a big hit for ya. – Thank you so much.
00:09:41
– Comes out a week and a day, Easy Money.
00:09:42
– Friday, next Friday it opens. – Yeah.
00:09:44
– Theaters everywhere. – Nationwide.
00:09:46
– That’s what they say, yeah, that’s what they say. – Okay, we’ll take a break.
00:09:48
We’ll be right back.
00:09:51
(upbeat music)