Healing Insecure Attachment and Overcoming Abandonment Fears: Expert Tips with Dr. Dawn-Elise Snipes

this episode was pre-recorded
as part of a live continuing   education webinar on-demand CEUs are
still available for this presentation   through all CEUs registered at all
CEUs comm slash counselor toolbox I’d like to welcome everybody today to the
Presentation Love Me doesn’t leave me addressing   fears of abandonment the purpose of this
presentation is really to help us help clients   increase their awareness of their story including
beliefs about behavioral reactions to situations   that trigger their fear of abandonment so how
do we do that well the first thing we need to   figure out is what fear of abandonment is and how
can we identify it in a clinical set setting then   we’re going to explore the concept of schemas or
core beliefs and these are things that are formed   in early childhood you know if you remember
prior classes we’ve talked about early childhood   cognition is generally very dichotomous in children
Young children don’t have the ability to look at   that gray area so these schemas if they’ve gone
unchecked can lead to some very extreme belief   patterns which leads us into common traps in
thinking reacting and relationships if your   schemas are based on all-or-nothing you either
love me or you’re going to leave me hence the   name of the book then your reactions are going to
tend to be more extreme and more all-or-nothing   which increases anxiety because then anytime
a person who perceives any amount of disapproval   obviously is going to go to that extreme so we
want to talk about bringing it more towards the   middle line and helping people learn to appreciate
and love themselves for themselves while they may   not approve of the behaviors of other people they can
still love other people so just because somebody   doesn’t approve of your behavior doesn’t mean
necessarily that they’re going to abandon you so   we’re going to talk about that and then we’ll
learn skills necessary to help people accept   their past as part of their story maybe they do
have a lot of abandonment issues and you know   some people do and it really is painful it cuts
to the core especially when those abandonment   issues occur in early childhood when kids going
what that does so we’re going to talk about that   and help people learn how to integrate it into
their present and we’ll learn the skills necessary   to acknowledge that their past does not have to
continue to negatively impact them in the present   so if they were abandoned when they were a child
you know we need to deal with that however if they   continue to expect that every significant person
in their life will abandon them notice I use the   word every because we’re still in those extremes
then they’re going to that the past is negatively   impacting them in the present so we’ll talk about
how to sort of moderate those belief systems how   does this impact recovery whether you’re talking
about addiction or mental health issues connection   is a basic human need we are not meant for the
most part to be Hermits in the middle of the   woods there are introverts and in my husband’s an
introvert he has a couple of really good friends   he needs quiet time each day he doesn’t need to
be surrounded by people and he’s fine but I mean   we’ve got human connection he’s not going to be
one that’s just going to you know move out to the   middle of nowhere I’m an extrovert on the other
hand and I tend to have a lot of acquaintances   and a lot of friends I draw energy from
being around other people so just because   someone doesn’t have 150 acquaintances doesn’t
necessarily mean they don’t need connections so   we want to recognize that connection is a basic
human need when infants are born they are put   on their mother’s chest when we embrace each
other whether it’s mother and child or friends   or whatever a chemical called oxytocin is released
and it’s our bonding chemical we are programmed we   are hardwired for connection and oxytocin is a
very rewarding chemical so we want to recognize that if people are so afraid of abandonment
that they push everybody away what are they losing   as far as quality of life as infants and children
survival is dependent upon the relationship with   the primary caregiver so if mom or dad wasn’t
happy if mom or dad was rejecting the young   child was pretty much helpless to think about a child
who’s growing up in a family that’s just riddled   with addiction and mental health issues and the
primary caregiver or caregivers are completely   emotionally unavailable they may be physically
there but they may be so high or so depressed or   so psychotic that they cannot attend to the
child’s needs what does that communicate to   the child the child feels abandoned the child
feels a sense of neglect for people’s beliefs about   other people and relationships were formed largely
based on their interactions with their caregivers   so if this child was going Mom I’m hungry and
nothing happened or worse yet child was going Mom I’m terrified and nothing happened or they
were just given a pacifier and told to shut up   then that is they were told they were communicated
to that their beliefs their feelings their wants   and their needs were not important so they were
being rejected healthy relationships serve up as   a buffer against stress so even if they had all
these negative experiences in early childhood   childhood teenage years you know maybe up until
they walked into your office it doesn’t mean it   has to continue and how much can they gain from
having healthy relationships with a lot of clients   that I work with who have pretty significant
abandonment issues can’t even fathom trusting   someone enough to be in a healthy relationship so
we’re going to talk about how to sort of ease into   that because you’re not going to say don’t let
your past influence your future and we’ll wave   a magic wand and they’re ready to trust people
even once you point out that what happened in   the past was largely not their fault or maybe not
even their fault all they they’re still going   to have difficulty not accepting responsibility
and going everybody leaves me so what talk about   that addressing beliefs that formed as a result
of these relationships the past dysfunctional   relationships we can help people create a
new understanding of events was mom or dad or   caregiver really being rejecting were you being
abandoned emotionally and physically because of   you or because mom or dad just was able to do what
they needed to do to be a caregiver at that point   in time they were doing the best they could with
the tools they had but it wasn’t enough to meet   your needs so we want to talk about alternate
explanations for why parents and caregivers may have   behaved in that way if you have a young child well
an adult now but who was put up for adoption or   abandoned by their caregivers at a young age the
a young child was probably very confused because   one moment their caregiver was there in the
next moment they were in the system so they were   trying to figure out what did they wrong and why
doesn’t that person love me anymore it must be   me because children really can’t see well you
know mom is not able to function as a parent   right now or dad is having difficulty coping we
want to help people better understand themselves   in their reactions so when they start getting
this urge to just cut all ties and be like you   know what fine you know I’ll take my ball and go
home no problem what does that mean there’s a   certain point in all relationships in all healthy
relationships that you know sometimes people have   to distance themselves from one another because
it’s becoming dysfunctional but for the most part, people in relationships will encounter
hiccups will encounter disagreements but in   healthy relationships, they can work through

them in relationships with people who fear   abandonment there are going to be two extremes
there’s going to be complete compliance and   please don’t leave me or complete disengagement
and whatever I don’t care the final thing we want   to do is help make people more conscious of
what they’re doing so they can make healthy   decisions in their current relationships so when
they get that urge to either comply or disengage   is that a healthy normative reaction right now
or are you reacting out of your past experiences the abandonment experience in childhood survival
depends on caregivers a four-year-old left alone   for five days is not going to do so well you
know they may be able to scavenge food but   once the food runs out where do they get it you
know there’s there’s only so much that a child   can do an infant can’t even get their own food
so survival depends on their caregivers and if   their caregivers fail to meet those needs there are
high levels of anxiety and I will refer regularly   to caregivers who are emotionally unavailable
and emotionally absent in addition to physically   unavailable or absent because some parents and I
worked in the field of co-occurring disorders for   over two decades and some parents just they are just so
overwhelmed and so paralyzed by life itself they   can’t even attend to anything else that’s going
on they’re doing good just to be breathing but   if they have a child and that child’s needs are
getting neglected and fear of abandonment is a natural   survival response when your food source goes away
what happens you start to freak the freak out so   this is normal we look at this and say that that’s
that’s natural if a child thinks about the first   time you take a child to kindergarten or pre-k
or daycare or whatever it is and you drop the   child off even if they’re securely attached what
do they do they cry because they’re afraid that   mom or dad won’t come back and they’re afraid of
this new situation that’s changed securely attached   children will you know adjust and then be happy to
see mom or dad when they come back but the point   is there’s that initial oh crap reaction meeting
biological needs and safety are key triggers for   anxiety at any age so we’re talking about housing
we’re talking about safety we’re thinking about   Maslow’s hierarchy if somebody is not meeting the
child’s needs or if the person is not getting   their needs met then they may have high levels
of anxiety and I add to the safety concept not   only physical safety but also emotional safety
people need to feel safe in their own heads and   they need to be free from emotional abuse when
focused on survival people can’t focus elsewhere   so if they’re not getting their physical needs
met guess what you know if you take somebody who   is in pain who is sick who is hungry and who is
homeless are they going to work on self-esteem   are they going to work on relationship skills
no, they’re focused on survival they need to have   those basic needs met they need to have a certain
sense of security if they are in a situation that   is dangerous physically obviously they’re not
going to be focusing on how can I better myself   when they’re worried about somebody coming in
and hurting them physically likewise, it’s hard to   focus on how can I better myself when everywhere
they turn they perceive someone telling us you’re   not okay you’re stupid you’re lazy you’re bad
you were the worst decision I ever made in my   life they can’t focus on personal growth when
all they’re getting is these verbal beatdowns all the time so people need to have acceptance if
they don’t have acceptance kind the opposite of   acceptance is abandonment two kinds of extremes
again we’ll bring it back to the middle every   stressful situation becomes a crisis in
securely attached child now you can go back to   and read Bowlby’s work on secure and all that kind
of stuff great reading but for the short version   of this presentation remember that certs securely
attached children feel anxiety when their parents   leave but then they can adjust and they’re happy
to see the parents return in securely attached   children feel a great amount of anxiety when
their parents leave and are terrified that mom or   dad won’t come back and then when mom or dad does
come back it’s your very very clingy or very very   rejecting so with this child that’s in securely
attached it’s just like one to a hundred as soon   as something happens they think they may be
abandoned you see this pattern again in adults who   are still struggling with these abandonment issues
those schema that they’ve formed and I’m getting a   little ahead of myself those schema that they form
says if you let this person at your site if   this person disagrees with you or if this person
criticizes you they’re rejecting you and they’re   going to abandon you so we want to you know check
in with those cognitions and look for trying to   make those thoughts a little bit more helpful in
infancy or early childhood if caregivers were away   for long periods of time because of work because
of the military if they were in jail if they just   chose to be away or if they passed away children
may experience some abandonment issues now if   the parents are away because a parent is a way
because of work or military or even jail and the   other parent can help the child work through it
there’s much less drama if you will there’s much   less issue with abandonment issues in totality
now if it’s whatever parent it is if the pay   if the father happened to be the one who went away
that person may have some residual issues with   adult figures in their life that they need to deal
with but they may not know I’m not saying that   every child of a soldier or a service person
is going to have abandonment issues that’s so   not true however if the experiences of the time
apart was not handled in a way where the child   felt secure then it could have consequences that
are going into present-day if in early childhood   caregivers were inconsistently or unpredictably
physically or emotionally present so think about   a parent who has major recurrent major depressive
disorder addiction or is just ill-equipped to deal   with a child when I was working at the treatment
center in Florida I had 14 15 16 year old young   women coming in and having babies and you know
what does a 14-year-old know about giving birth   and raising a child it’s not that they weren’t
necessarily trying you know they didn’t have great   role models raising them in most cases and so they
don’t have anything to work with they don’t know   how to be a parent they’ve never been taught so
it’s not always I don’t want to pathologize or   make the parents look like bad people because
I believe that people do the best they can with   the tools they have at any given time parents
don’t choose to be sucky parents sometimes it   happens but I really don’t believe they choose to
anyhow off my soapbox in later childhood as the   child becomes elementary school middle school
age if they’re a poor family fit or they feel   like they’re the black sheep they just don’t
have the same beliefs that the other people do   they don’t seem to have the same interests that
their family does they may not feel accepted   especially if the family’s going no that’s wrong
to believe and invalidate them so going back to   that psychological safety if they’re constantly
being told their ideas are stupid they’re wrong   they have the wrong point of view and they can
feel very isolated something can happen that   ruptures the relationship with the primary care
giver whether it’s abuse or you know some kind   of other trauma and introduction of a new less
emotionally or physically safe caregiver can also   lead to abandonment if the child feels like the
biological caregiver chose a new spouse over him   or her if you see where I’m going with that
because if this new person comes in and is less   safe is abusive in some way emotionally physically
sexually it doesn’t matter the child is going to   feel like they didn’t have a voice the child
is going to feel like the biological caregiver   didn’t care and brought this other person in
any way which leads to feelings of rejection   and abandonment so what are the reactions
fight-or-flight whenever there’s a threat we   fall back to fight or flight or freeze but we’ll
talk about that when there’s a threat our anxiety   goes up and we say in the past in these kinds of
situations if I fought did I succeed if so then   we’ve got fights in the past did I succeed and if
the answer’s no then the response is to flee pretty simply so anger towards someone who’s unavailable
if they got angry and felt like it got them   some sort of acceptance from somewhere that might
be the prevailing reaction sadness when someone   goes away a sense of helplessness this person
just left me shame or self-anger about feeling   needy or about pushing someone away with fears related
to rejection and isolation, nobody will ever love   me loss of control or the unknown everybody
always leaves see how I’m using these extreme   words again and fear of failure I can’t maintain
a relationship nobody wants to be with me because   I’m not good enough so the questions for clients
in these situations what caused these fears as a   child so when someone starts to have these fears
about a relationship, if the relationship starts   to get rocking first question is what is it that
you’re afraid of in this situation if you stay   together what is it that you’re afraid of if this
the person leaves what is it you’re afraid of and how   likely is it that this person is going to leave
based on whatever is going on right now let’s   get some objective evidence here and another
the tool you can use is the challenging questions   worksheet in cognitive processing therapy if
you google it challenging questions worksheet   CPT or cognitive processing therapy really helps
people walk through the logic in some of their   cognitions and identify some you know unhelpful
distortions so then after you figure out kind of   what the fear is then we say what caused that as
a child in the past when you felt like this what   caused that and how was this reasonable or helpful
you know in the past when you felt like this and   you reacted in anger what was the outcome and
how was it helpful in some sort of way you know   did it get somebody to pay attention to you did
it gets somebody to come to comfort you, okay so you   were identifying the function of the current
behaviors and then we want to say what causes   these fears now a lot of times it’s the same symp
or similar stuff but we could say how are these   reactions now unhelpful because as independent you
know adult-type people we can fend for ourselves   we can put food on the table we can go to work we
can do we can function independently whereas this   is a child we couldn’t you know there were just
some barriers to that does that mean again that   we should live in isolation and say well
I don’t need anybody no that’s not what I’m   saying what I’m saying is is these fears that
are overwhelming about abandonment that causes   people to push others away or cling on like you
know whatever clings on uh are these reactions   helpful in the present day you know do you still
need to hold on to people like there’s no tomorrow temperament based on their temperament children
need different types and amounts of caregiver   interaction um some children are wide open and
easily overstimulated you know my son was that   way when he was born well to this very day um
when he’s awake he is like the Energizer Bunny   on methamphetamine I’m he’s just going
going and talking and talking to himself and   he needed a lot of structure and he would get
overstimulated easily but we were able to help   him figure out how to handle that instead of
getting mad at him for what seemed to be acting   out we were able to help him channel and figure
out when he needs to take a break the introvert   may not need as much one-on-one attention with
the caregiver may need a comforting word   here and there but they may not need the amount of
attention that an extrovert may need an extrovert   tends to need more interaction with parents with
family with other people because they draw energy   and they think while they talk and they think
while they talk with other people so they feel   a lot more isolated if they are isolated so we
want to understand the person’s temperament and   how they may or may not have gotten their needs
met how they may have been told they were wrong   and invalidated when they were younger and you
can hear some of this is kind of going towards   Linda hands DBT environment um but what we want to
look at what do you need now how can we create   an environment that’s accepting and welcoming
to you now based on their needs and caregivers’ reactions children form schemas or core beliefs
about the world and others so if they state their   opinion and it’s squashed or it’s ridiculed then
they’re going to form this core belief that it   is not safe ever to share my opinions because I am
always wrong now we’re talking about children here   but a lot of times think back for yourself there I
think most of us have at least some all-or-nothing   dichotomous thoughts that come in every once in
a while and you know we can catch them but if   these dichotomies go unaddressed the person starts
feeling very lost and very abandoned because it’s all-or-nothing important points about children
under 7 from 8 to 12 children are developing   alternative cognitive cognitive skills they’re
starting to be able to think abstractly they’re   starting to be able to see the gray area and
alternate explanations but even you know during   that period zero to 12 children are having
difficulty envisioning all the possibilities   so anything that happens before we want to
encourage them to look at the schemas that were   formed and challenge them to examine whether they
are currently accurate and helpful children think   dichotomously when they’re that young it’s all
or nothing it’s good or bad it’s not kind of sort   of something it is what it is I mean even think
about thinking back to grades that we would get   it was satisfactory or unsatisfactory there was
no ABCD F when we were in elementary school and   I don’t remember middle school then it was a
dichotomous grading scale you either did it or you   didn’t children are egocentric so whatever happens
they say what was it about me that made this   happen if mom’s in a bad mood what did I do if
you know Mom is rejecting well that was stupid I’m   stupid children are very egocentric so you take
all or nothing combined with all about me and you   can see we are creating the perfect storm of children
can only focus on one aspect at a time when I work   with adult clients you know they come in and they
tell me that they had an interaction with their   boss he was walking down the hall and he was in a
bad mood and I just knew I did something and so   we talked about that and I’m like how do you know
that because he had it he had an angry look on his   face okay what are some other possibilities what
else might have been going on with him at that   point in time and a lot of times we can brainstorm
ideas about a call he just got or where they just   left a meeting that didn’t go so well or who
knows what else in this day and time when we’ve   got our cell phones and PDAs and everything
there are a lot of things that can trigger a   mood besides just whoever you pass in the hallway
children can’t think about those other things that   might have triggered the mood they see somebody
unhappy and they’re like I’m sorry um so we want   to encourage as adults we want to encourage them
to say all right what are the other possibilities even as children I try to work with my kids
to encourage them to look at alternate reasons   why somebody may be acting a certain way children
can’t think abstractly and consider those possible   options um even with kids you know knee-high
to a grasshopper if you’re in a situation and   maybe in a store and somebody behaves not kindly
to you, you can talk about that later with the kids   and say you know that was kind of unpleasant to go
through what you think might have caused that   and brainstorm three ideas my favorite number is
three I don’t know why but brainstorm three ideas   for alternate explanations for why that person
may have been in an unpleasant mood if children   learn to do this when they’re younger it’s a
a lot easier to transition to as adults schemas   are a broad way of perceiving things based on
memories feelings and thoughts basically it’s   our go-to perception of what something’s going
to be like we have schemas about everything if   you go to church you have a schema about what’s
going to happen when you go to your mother’s   house you have a schema about how mom’s going to
behave and what’s going to happen we form these   it’s our brain’s short shortcut instead of having
to analyze every situation it says oh I remember   this been here before it’s probably going to be
like X Y Z unfortunately sometimes things change   and one of the things we see in addictions
treatment as is as caregivers into recovery and   really get a hold on it and start working that
new way of life and sobriety and all that stuff   old family members or family members still expect
that old behavior they have that schema that when   Jane comes in this is what’s going to happen
because they’re remembering how she behaved and   acted in her addictive self so we want to help
people identify their schemas and check them   sometimes they’re still accurate sometimes not so
much schemas that trigger abandonment fear center   around the cell acceptability is this person going
to like me which is one of the reasons we do a lot   of self-esteem work in reducing abandonment fears
because we want to reduce the need for people to   solicit external validation we want them to say
I’m all that and a bag of chips and I would love   to play with you but if you don’t want to play
I’m okay with that love ability if they were   told they were unlovable if they perceived
they were unlovable then in the present, they   may fear isolation they may fear that they’re not
lovable so they will try to do whatever they can   or likewise they will build a lead wall that is 5
feet thick all the way around them so nobody can   hurt them they may have fears about their own
competence you know thinking back to Erikson   you never thought some of these theorists from the
past would keep coming up even in current practice   but they do if a child going through that period
of industry versus inferiority Erik Erikson’s   stages of psychosocial development and they felt
like a failure all the time or they were never   good enough the parents never recognized their
positive achievements then they may question their   own competence and feel like a failure if they
feel like a failure they may feel they may believe   that nobody wants to be around them so they will
leave so if I fail they will leave and fears may   center around adaptability some people are not
able to tolerate any loss of control they’re just   like that they’re holding on with a death grip to
the relationship to anything that’s going on and   it starts to go wonky they are going to freak out
so we want to look at what does it mean if you’re   not in control of everything what does it mean
if you trust that this person is going to do the   next right thing if you are doing the next right
thing as well schemas that trigger abandonment   fears can also sent around center around others
if someone is rejecting distant cold or is unable to   handle the person’s needs then the person may not
feel acceptable so if they are in relationships   with people like this then we need to look at is
it you who’s not acceptable or is something else   going on with that person that may be making
them unable to deal with anybody else’s stuff   right now the person may feel isolated if other
people are absent if people fail to keep promises   they may feel like nobody’s ever there for them
competence if other people are always critical   then the person will question their own competence
and if others are unpredictable a lot of the time   when people who have anxiety about abandonment
they come from situations where other people have   not been predictable or if they were they were
unpredictably absent and relationship of self to   others if they are afraid about their ability to
relate with others if they’re afraid of rejection   if they’re afraid that if they start to love they
will be rejected and then they will be isolated   forever if they are afraid of the unknown and they
I just want consistency more than anything and   as soon as consistency starts to waver a little
bit because as we grow things change and people   with abandonment issues don’t like things to
change because that’s not predictable and that’s   not consistent so they may have difficulty if one
person starts to change what they do I see this   a lot not saying that it’s an abandonment issue
necessarily but when law enforcement officers   retire you know because they can retire after
20 years so they may start a new career and   that causes a lot of change schedule changes
they’re not law enforcement anymore and the   spouse sometimes has culty adjusting to it as
does the retired officer but controllability   if the person holds on to relationships and
everything in their life with white knuckles   because they’re so afraid if they let go of
control that they are going to disappear or   disintegrate then if something seems like it’s not
in their control, it’s going to be a catastrophe so attachment Styles secure if there’s an
emotionally available caregiver the child   will seek the caregiver for comfort and guess
what the caregiver will be there and will more   often than not meet the need for comfort with the
correct type of comfort so hungry cold scared kind   of following the child’s upset when the caregiver
leaves especially in new situations but the child   gets over it it’s not a child that’s going to sit
there and cry for eight hours and then the child’s   happy when the caregiver returns in this kind of
attachment the child learns to trust others will   be responsive to their needs and validate their
needs a child to learn to be self-reliant and try   new things but if they fail they know they can
return to the home base they can go out and go well   that didn’t go as planned and the caregiver will be
there to say alright let’s figure out what to do   next not You are such a failure the child learns
to adapt to a variety of situations because when   they’ve been faced with something that’s a little
scary caregivers have been there to kind of coach them   on and go you got this it’s scary I got it but
you can do it the child learns to deal with   stress because the caregivers are there to coach them
or to process it with them afterward because the   caregiver is not always physically there but if
you’ve got children you know sometimes they’ll   come home from school and they’ve had a really
bad day and you’d pull them aside and go you know   what’s going on let’s talk about it in this way
the child learns to deal with stress and the child   learns to have accurate expectations of others
in the secure attachment emotionally available   situation remember children are egocentric so
if mom’s upset the child goes what did I do or Oh my gosh I hope mom’s not going to leave in
a secure situation sometimes the parent has to   say something like Mommy had a really bad day at
work today has nothing to do with you I need to go   take a timeout that helps a child understand
that you know what it’s not all about me and   I can understand that sometimes moms upset for
something besides me and I can understand that   if moms Up said it doesn’t mean she’s going to
leave so obviously, this is the ideal situation   avoidant attachment styles the rejecting or harsh
caregiver the person depends less on the caregiver   for security because every time they go saying mom
Mom I had a nightmare can I come into bed with you   they’re met with go back to your own bed and the
caregiver rolls over it’s not oh I’m sorry you had   a nightmare let me walk you back to your room
when the child is separated from the caregiver   there’s little response when the caregiver leaves
or returns because the kids like what uses that   person to me the child learns not to depend on
a caregiver for comfort connection or security   now imagine yourself a four-year-old child or a
six-year-old child thinking I can’t count on my   caregivers for comfort connection or security
that must be a terrifying place to be and I   can see why you would develop some pretty strong
defense mechanisms the ambivalent relationship between the   cave caregiver is inconsistent or can bow can’t
talk caregiver is inconsistent or chaotic this   is really true in a lot of homes where there are
at least one parent who is battling some sort of   addiction or mental health issue so the parent
may or may not be available you don’t know what   the good days are going to be you don’t know what
the bad days are going to be so the child may be   anxious and afraid to try new things or explore
because they’re like things are going good right   now I don’t want to top will be an applecart just
going to sit here and ride it out a child may be   clinging and demanding trying to elicit a response
remembering negative attention is better than no   attention at all and the child is upset when the
caregiver leaves but also inconsolable when the   caregiver returns because you know I was upset
I was scared you went away but you came back and   that’s good but I don’t know when you’re going
to go away again and if you’re going to come   back it’s this constant anxiety of abandonment
core abandonment beliefs all people leave so we   want to challenge that by identifying exceptions
mistrust people will hurt reject take advantage   of me or just not be there when I need them you
know what that’s true sometimes because people   have their own stuff so when this happens let’s
look at whether it’s happening all the time and/or   let’s also look at what else might be going on
with that person that caused them to hurt reject   take advantage or not be there when you needed
the emotional deprivation I never get the love I   need nobody understands me cares about me or even
ever tries to meet my needs here how dramatic and   extreme that is so one of the things as clinicians
we can do is say if you are getting the   love you needed what would it look like what
would be different what is it that you need   that you’re not getting once we identify
then we can create a plan to get it but a lot   of times other people don’t understand or may not
be able to interpret what you need so let’s help   let’s try to figure out how to make this happen
nobody understands me alright let’s talk about   why that might be and you know let’s look at some
people who’ve kind of gotten a grasp sometimes   with clients with abandonment beliefs nobody
understands me translates to I don’t give a buddy   a chance and I cut them off as soon as they become
confused and because they associate confusion with   rejection so we might talk about communication
skills we might work on what it is that people   don’t understand and how to better communicate
that and where to find people who have similar   interests nobody ever even tries to meet my needs
you know here I would really look for exceptions   but I would also challenge the person and I would
say when do you meet your needs what do you do   to take care of yourself a lot of times
clients with abandonment beliefs are so freaked   out and afraid of being abandoned that they’re
not taking care of themselves either they’re   just living and are paralyzed going back to fight
flee or freeze they’re living a paralyzed state   of I want to be loved but if I love I’m gonna get
hurt and I don’t know what to do they don’t even   love themselves so we want to start talking about
if you had your best friend you know create this   best friend persona what would he or she say to
you what would he or she do right now let’s try to   help you understand yourself with mindfulness exercises
are really good here because a lot of times these   clients don’t understand themselves they’ve got
so much anxiety they’re so afraid and they don’t   know where it’s coming from because a lot of
it has been going on for so long defectiveness   if people knew me they would reject me you know
not everybody’s going to like you why do you need   everybody to like you why is it important that
everybody likes you and failure I don’t measure   up and I’m not able to succeed I usually pull
out the obnoxious quote that if you haven’t failed   you haven’t tried and we talked about what it
means to get outside your comfort zone and you’re   not going to be perfect at everything you’re not
going to be Michael Phelps you’re not going to be   the president of the United States that doesn’t
mean that you’re a failure that definitely   doesn’t mean you’re a failure so what things are you
good at what can you and have you succeeded at and   go back and look over things like you graduated
high school not everybody does that you know   raised a family, not everybody does that so we
want to challenge all nothing’ languages we   want to look for exceptions and we want to look
for in what ways can you provide yourself the   validation so you don’t fear abandonment you don’t
need other people to tell you you’re okay because   guess what you’re telling yourself I’m okay and
before I go on to unhelpful reactions I do want   to point out that if we tell people to tell
themselves you know I’m okay that sounds great   but if they don’t believe it if it’s not supported
with evidence, it’s actually probably going to slow   their growth because they’re sitting there going
telling themselves I’m okay and in the back of   their head going you know you’re not so we need
to get that internal critical voice to kind of   hush up by providing the person with the objective
evidence of why they’re okay why they’re good   enough and that’s a slow process it’s not going
to happen overnight but encourage people to figure   out why they believe what they believe and then
you can work from there okay unhelpful reactions   fighting with someone you don’t want to leave
me because the person may engage in a dominant   sort of posturing behavior aggression hostility
blaming and criticizing trying to tear down the   other person to say you know what I don’t care
and you should be grateful that I’m in your life recognition seeking attention validation
or approval so if they feel something’s going   wrong in a relationship they may start trying to
do something to gain recognition to prove that   they’re worthy of a relationship for what they do
versus who they are manipulation and exploitation   said lying justifying I did this because you made
me so sometimes we all occasionally do things that   aren’t the nicest people who fear abandonment
have difficulty saying you know what I screwed   up and they’re more likely to go you made me do
it I wouldn’t have done it if you had X   Y & Z people again who are worried a relationship
is going to fall apart and may also make excuses for   other people’s inappropriate behavior it’s like
you know I really hate what this person does but   if I don’t make excuses for it if I condemn it
then this person is going to leave in counseling   we can talk about the difference between loving a
person and loving a person’s behavior you know I   love my kids to death there is no question about
that but some of their behavior makes me want to   climb a wall I’m very clear to separate from them
the difference between the behavior that I dislike   and them because you know like I said I love them
to pieces and we want to help people start making   this differentiation if they don’t do it already
and clinging and chasing is the other fight   reaction stalking and messaging somebody 47 times on
Facebook in an hour all these kinds of behaviors   and even online bullying those sorts of things can
be fight reactions in in response to feeling like   there’s a threat of abandonment flight is more
of the I don’t care if you leave so the person   will withdraw physically and emotionally and
maybe even numb themselves with some sort of   addictive behavior or distract themselves with
something completely different or find a new   person just proof that you know what I didn’t
need you because I’ve got this new person now questions for clients about core beliefs
all people leave okay so what does it look   like if somebody’s available to you if they
don’t abandon you who in your past left you   or was unavailable emotionally now a lot of
I find it helpful for mental health   and addiction clients to have them write an
autobiography because then we can go back   and kind of review it and identify the core
people at certain stages in a person’s life what did the person who left you do to make you
feel rejected or abandoned in retrospect   you know it was hard to see the difference between what
was going on back then because you were a kid in   retrospect what are the alternate explanations
for why this may have happened was it really   you or was it more about them who in your past
has been available to you emotionally most of   the time people can point to one maybe two people
who have generally been there it’s unreasonable to   expect someone to always be there who in your
present is available to you emotionally you   know maybe they’ve only been in your life for six
months or a year but they are available and I say   emotionally because you know not everybody can
be available physically all the time we’ve got   jobs kids all that kind of stuff but can you pick
up the phone and call them or text them and say   hey you know what I’m really struggling right now
what do you do in your current relationships that cause people to leave do you push them away if so
what are alternatives to pushing them away cutting all ties and just saying fine be that way
I wipe my hands off you if you cling how do you do   this in what ways do you perceive yourself as
being clinging and what are some alternatives   to holding on with all desperation and mistrust people
will hurt reject or take advantage of me or just   not be there when I need them so again what does
it looks like when somebody’s or what does it feel   like when someone is trustworthy and safe who in
your past was untrustworthy or unsafe what do they   do they taught you this and what are alternate
explanations who in your past has been trustworthy   and safe who in your present is available and
trustworthy What do you do to yourself that   is unsafe or dishonest that’s one of those tricky
questions you’re there talking about other people   other people other people then it’s like what
do you do to yourself how do you lie to yourself self or how are you mean and hateful to yourself
how does your distrust of other people or even   yourself impact your current relationships some
people distrust their own internal intuition so   much that they don’t want to make friends with
other people, they’re like I can’t tell who’s   going to hurt me and who won’t so just yeah I’m
going to wipe my hands of it all what could you   do differently what do you think you could do
in order to start building trust and what does   it look like to build trust because Trust doesn’t
just appears it builds gradually emotional death deprivation I don’t get the love I need nobody
understands me so again what does it look like   when somebody understands you and meets your
needs who in the past failed to meet your needs   emotionally and how can you deal with that now
you know it may have been mom it may have been   ex-husband it may have been you know who knows
how can you deal with it now yourself so you can   put it to rest who in your past is understood
you who in your present understands you how   can you start again better understanding yourself
because it’s hard for other people to understand   us when we don’t even understand ourselves and
what can you do to start getting your needs met one of the things was starting to get your own
needs met is to figure out what your needs are and   this is one of the exercises I have people do as
a homework assignment they keep track of what is   it they want on a daily basis keep a log and then
let’s talk about what common themes were seeing   if people knew me they would reject me okay so how
do you know when you’re accepted or acceptable to   someone who when you’re past may make you feel
defective are there alternate explanations and   how can you silence those old tapes because
that person that statement stays as a heckler   in the gallery we need to hush the heckler what
can you do part of it could be talking back and   saying you know what I’m not going to listen
or I don’t have time for this right now who’s   been accepting and supportive who is in your life
that’s accepting and supportive and how can you   start accepting yourself and being compassionate
so some compassion focus training mindfulness work   to help people understand themselves and start
being compassionate with themselves understanding   their vulnerabilities and cutting themselves some
slack I don’t measure up I’m not able to succeed   okay that’s a pretty big success you know what
is what success means success means different   things to different people so what does it look
like to you to be successful let’s kind of hammer   that out what is it if you are successful what
would be different what in your past has made   you feel like a failure what are some alternate
ways of viewing it such as a learning experience   or something I had to go through to grow or you
know brainstorming alternate explanations for   why people fail they don’t have a response to
sometimes I ask them to kind of take on   a flip role and say pretend you’re a parent and
your child comes home and they’ve tried out for   the football team and they didn’t make the team
they failed what are you going to tell on what   have you succeeded at doing in the past what are
you good at in the present and we really want to   pay attention to minimization here because a
a lot of our clients are not good at identifying   their strengths what does being successful mean in
terms of your relationship with others do you have   to be successful in order to be loved and be a
the good relationship you know obviously you’re going   to be successful in a relationship if you’re
but do you have to be financially successful and powerful whatever you define success as in
order to be in healthy relationships who are   three successful people you know and what makes
them successful in your eyes does success equal   happiness you can do a whole group on that and
what do your kids need to do to be successful   in life you know we want our kids to succeed we
want our kids to be happy so what is it that I   envision my child’s life to be 10 to 15 years from
now triggering relationships the abandoner is   unpredictable unstable and unavailable to the
abusive relationship is untrustworthy and   unsafe the deprived err depriving relationship the
a person is detached or withholding the Devastator   is always judgmental rejecting and critical and
the critic is critical and narcissistic usually   a lot of times people replay their past to try to
kind of get it right the second time so we want   to look at do you have a habit of getting into
relationships with people who are not safe we can   also ask them how they exhibit these behaviors
in what ways are these behaviors present your   current relationships and in what ways were these
present and your primary caregiver relationships behavioral triggers abandonment and mistrust
if somebody starts acting differently they change   their behavior in some way a person who fears
abandonment goes oh that’s not good if they’re   not getting constant reassurance that’s
that external validation can trigger   abandonment fears so again we want to work
on internal validation and why is it that you   feel you need constant reassurance from the other
person’s relationships feel threatening so   work relationships those sorts of things the
a person who has abandonment issues won’t want   their significant other around other people
and they become hyper-vigilant to rejection   and disconnection even if it’s just somebody
going I had a really bad day I need 20 minutes   and go into the room and shut the door
the person with abandonment issues will likely   have a high level of anxiety so we want to ask
how these behaviors have threatened them in the   past what are alternate explanations for why this
is happening with this person right now and what   would be a helpful reaction to these behaviors
now so this is happening what would be a helpful   reaction instead of assuming that the sky is
going to fall defectiveness and failure so if   somebody is critical they have unexplained time
apart there’s absent or inconsistent reassurance   or if the person tells them they’re a failure
these or they fail at something these could   all be behavioral triggers they could be like I
failed at something I’m not getting reassurance   this relationship is fixin’ to end question how
Has this threatened you in the past alternate   explanations and what would be a helpful
reaction to this particular situation right now envisioning activity what does a healthy
relationship looks like presence versus abandonment   acceptance versus rejection emotional support
versus emotional unavailability trustworthy   versus untrustworthy and safe versus harmful
these are extremes what does it look like to   be a middle ground there are going to be exceptions
you know things are going to happen so what does   a healthy relationship look like and how do you
deal with exceptions if somebody’s not always   present how can you create this relationship with
yourself that’s the big one and then how can you   create this relationship with others’ mindfulness
questions what am I feeling what’s triggering it   am I safe right now and if not what do I need to
do is this bringing up something from the past if   so how is this different how am I different
than I was when I was six or four and how   can I silence my inner critic and finally what
would be a helpful reaction that would move me   more toward my goals and toward a positive
emotional experience summary core beliefs   about the self and others are formed in early
life due to children’s lack of knowledge of other   experiences and primitive cognitive abilities
these core beliefs are often very dichotomous   core beliefs can be formed around events or
experiences outside of the conscious memory   identifying and being mindful of abandonment
triggers in the present can help people choose   alternate more helpful ways of responding in
The Present in Secure and Loved Loved Me Don’t Leave Me are two really excellent books
there are Google previews if you want to look   at them to see if it’s something that you like
but they do take what we talked about in this   presentation and expand upon it a whole bunch
more if you enjoy this podcast please like and   subscribe either in your podcast player or on
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